My Wife, The Decor Shark

My wife is passionate about decorating. What Home Depot does to me JoAnn's Fabrics, Hallmark, and Cherry's Consignment (a local antique and furniture shop) does to her. I can usually tell when she's been to one or more of these places during the day by the look she gets when she enters a room: Eyes darting about, then fixing on the latest decorating challenge that she hasn't quite tamed, lips pursed, wheels turning in her head. If she stands there long enough you can almost see smoke coming out of her ears.

Her anxiety over all these design pain-points builds and builds until it erupts in a huge frenzy of decorating activity. She hit such a trigger-point yesterday. We bought an armoire for our family room to better contain the kids' games and toys (from Cherry's, incidentally), and it was delivered yesterday morning. Kapow!

I came home from work expecting to see the new armoire. I even did a good job of noticing the new curtains (I've had some warning they were coming--she's been sewing on them for several weeks now). But as I continued through the house I began to notice other things: a birdhouse...a ceramic bunny...new windchimes on the front porch...a new window treatment variation on the window next to the door...ditto the window in our bedroom...hey, was that end table with a patchwork tablecloth there before?...new cooking pans...

It was like Martha Stewart had launched a commando mission on our house while I was away. (Coincidentally or not, her latest issue of Martha's design magazine arrived yesterday).

Now let me clarify one thing right away before I find the doors all locked when I get home. My wife is excellent about staying within budget. She consults me on large purchases. She is not a spendthrift. Which makes such broad changes all the more amazing. She's managing all of this on a fairly limited budget!

But even after all the work she put in yesterday she was not satisfied. She was like a "decor shark" the rest of the day, moving slowly and purposely through the house, scanning for her next targets with "that look" on her face. And then comes that dreaded phrase: "Honey, what would you think if..."

Now I don't consider myself the average, clueless guy when it comes to decorating. I do not think "Dogs Playing Poker" is fine art. I do not consider anything involving beverage logos and/or neon as haut decor. I am aware (and agree) that there is more than one shade of white. I agree that such decisions as complimentary colors and fabric textures matter. As I recall, it was even my idea how to complete the window treatments in the living room.

However, my threshold of "looks good, leave it" is lower than hers. I'm aware that most of the time she will change her mind two or three more times after I've declared something acceptable. As a result, I've become somewhat used to giving throw-away opinions. I don't want to get too sold on something, as it will likely go away.

It's not that she's capricious. She's just more invested in the process than I am. She's painfully aware that even though those curtains looked fine last week, we just changed the wall decoration next to it and now it doesn't work. Me? I saw the curtains last week when she put them up, and they looked good. Now I notice the new wall decoration and decide it looks good. I don't re-evaluate the whole picture unless there is a serious clash.

The older I get the more wisdom I see in "The Karate Kid." You home decor do yes: Okay. You home decor do no: Okay. You home decor do so-so: Squish like grape. I care enough to have an opinion on some things, and even some ideas. But much of the time my head is engaged elsewhere and I'm not prepared to switch over to appraising decorating ideas.

Ultimately the problem is mine. I love my wife, and I love what she's doing with our home. It does look really good. I do appreciate that she wants to involve me in it. It's not even a Mars-Venus thing. I just need to stop obsessing over how the last measure in the piece I'm composing still doesn't work right and pay attention.

This isn't just something she's doing because she's got nothing better to do. It's a labor of love. If it wasn't important to her she would have been satisfied long ago. This is her Bablyon 5, her Great American Novel she's always wanted to write, her music studio she'd like to have someday. It wouldn't hurt me to validate that now and then.

This is why I blog. It allows me to uncover my personal deficiencies and engage in psychotherapy before a live audience. I get to drag you through a long, meandering sequence of thoughts in order to arrive at something you probably already knew:

I am a dork.

It could be worse. You could have to pay for this!

More Humorous Headlines

The front page link to this story on abcnews.com read:

87 Executed In Iraq, What Can U.S. Do?

Uhm...I'm guessing not much at this point. They're dead. But that's just my opinion.

James Lileks Makes My Day...Twice!

I had a really hard time getting going this morning, and it only started looking worse when I got to work. But then James Lileks posted a short video about the snow they got in Minneapolis, complete with witty commentary (at least I find it witty). It made me laugh, and I needed to laugh. And so I determined to thank him by sending the following letter:

I just had to drop you a quick note just to say thanks. Your snow video today, with its accompanying commentary, made me laugh. I needed a laugh this morning. And that is the reason I keep coming back to your site. You remind us all to appreciate life and laugh at ourselves--a message made all the more legitimate by the fact that you admit needing reminding of it yourself.

Your site is a physical embodiment of that idea, really. There's the screedblog and occasional bleats about current events that show that you're living amid the same turmoil as the rest of us, but they're secondary to the real site, which is about life and fun and enjoying the moment and being aware of what is around you.

So thanks for what you do. Please keep doing it.
Thom

I didn't expect a response, let alone one so quickly. I guess he sorts his mail by "most recent first." Anyway, he said:

Why, thanks! That's very kind, Thom. You put your finger on the general objective of the site - it's not my intention to do one thing or other; I just make it up as I go along. But I'm glad it comes across like something *I'd* like to read. If you know what I mean.

Babblingly,

Liles [sic]

Heehee! James Lileks wrote to me! Pardon me while I have a shameless fan-boy moment. Oh Cousin! Now we do the dance of joy!

You must understand. If I could write any website on the web it would be Lileks.com. The Instapundit is cool (not as cool as his wife), but Lileks rocks. I've been reading for several years now, and it's to the point that I feel like I've got a friend up in Minnesota. Last time I flew through there I joked with my wife about calling Lileks while we were in town.

Anyway, I have a hard time believing he's not a genuinely nice guy (he loved playing Dark Tower, for crying out loud). His site is fun, and his "Diner" podcasts are a hoot. The man deserves his success, and I wish him more.

Home Depot Season

The wind was clutching at us with icy fingers, but we were determined. Spring can leap out and grab you if you're not careful, so we made sure we won't get surprised. The entire family went to Home Depot on Saturday morning. I tell you, the place is dangerous. It's like an opium den. Step inside and you start to hallucinate just from inhaling the air.

I've never felt a particular need to own walkie-talkies with a ten-mile range, but see a pair at Home Depot, and suddenly I start to see myself using them all the time. "Honey, where is yesterday's newspaper, over?" "It's right behind you, dear. And so am I, over."

I tried out one of their covered patio swings. I was instantly transported to a night in July, the humid coolness of evening, sitting on the back deck (okay, the deck--we only have one) swinging slightly, head back, enjoying the thought of being alive. As opposed to how I felt out in the garden center trying to locate bags of compost while the cold air made my nose hairs tingle (okay, it wasn't that cold, but it wasn't the warm day we'd been hoping for).

We walked past the lighting section and I saw a quaint English style street lamp. Must...have...cool...looking...light! Do I know where we'd put it? No. Do I know how much it costs? No. Do I know if it would require any special wiring? No. But dang, it looks cool! Slap me hard in the face before I reach my Discover card.

Thanks, I needed that.

I think my wife recognized that look in my eye. She's not immune to the wiles of Home Depot, but fortunately she has a stronger resistance. She insisted we go home, review the budget, and decided what our priorities were before we start buying anything else. We were there for seeds, compost, floor polish, and batteries. I'd managed to talk her into getting some spray bottles (cat training, if you must know) and window cleaner as well. I didn't push my luck.

Besides, the season is young. Home Depot is patient. It knows its prey will be back, and it will be even fatter next time. I erred and mentioned those two magic words: Tax refund. You could almost feel the store throb with anticipation.

Absorption? Or Inflitration?

I don't consider myself racist, and I try to let people think and feel and do what they like so long as it doesn't interfere with my right to the same. But when I read things like this, I can't help but think it should be okay to exclude immigrants from cultures such as this:

A friend of mine is a retired chief of police, who used to be in charge of the security of a major city in the south of France. He reported to me that his men had to face an average of 10 rapes a week, 80% made by Muslim young men. 30% being what we call, in French, a “ tournante “, meaning that the victim is being raped by an entire gang, one after the other, often during an entire night. My friend reports that, in many cases, he was able to locate and arrest the rapists, often very young ones, and, as part of the investigation, call the families. He was astonished that, in most cases, the parents not only would back up their rapist children, but also would not even understand why they would be arrested. There is an instant shift in the notion of good and evil as a major component of culture. The only evil those parents would see, genuinely, is the temptation that the male children had to face. Since in most cases the victims were not Muslims, the parents’ answer and rejection was even more genuine: how could their boys be guilty of anything, when normally answering to a provocation by occidental women, known for their unacceptable behavior?

I should probably state that "this" comes from a FrontPage Magazine symposium on the rise of rapes by Islamic men against non-Islamic women.

Rape, it seems, is very much a part of Islamic culture, justified by religion:

Female “provocation” in the Muslim society is usually a definition for the mildest behavior. Smiling, singing, talking, being alone for one minute in the same room as the rapist, having answered a question in an inappropriate way, wearing clothes which are not strictly in obedience with what is locally considered as the Muslim rules, all of these innocent behaviors are seen as a misconduct authorizing “revenge.”

...

In Muslim society the male is dominant and almighty since he is made after God, when women have been created as a necessary evil to tempt males. In other words, the female body is the closest thing to the Devil, something which has to be dominated as a proof a faith. We go back to the sacrifice of Eros to Thanatos, as one of the basic sacrifices of all monotheisms, where, since the origins of the Bible, first inspiration to the Koran, women have been the carriers of the original sin.

In such a pattern, a male will not only consider any suspect behavior, including the mildest one, as an evil temptation, but he might look forward to experiencing one, as a religious challenge. Whatever will happen then won’t be the result of his own will, but he believes in having received absolution in advance for an act that, he knows, is against his own religion. During these minutes of deception and absolute power, he is not abusing a woman but fighting the Devil inside.

This is such an alien concept to me. If you are tempted by something, the best way to resist it is to give in to it? So if I'm tempted to steal, rather than resist the temptation, I should show my dominance over the temptation by not just stealing the thing I want, but cleaning out the entire store, then burning it to the ground? (Or, perhaps more accurately, vandalizing and damaging the store until the owner has it burned to the ground to eliminate his shame.)

I know I should be tolerant of other cultures and other ideas, but I do not see why I should have to be tolerant of this. That my daughter could be gang raped by muslims for simply smiling at them is incomprehensible and completely unacceptable. If this is what these people believe--and are not willing to denounce such behavior at the border--then I don't want them living in my country.

We evidently have no problem excluding Mexican or asian immigrants, whose main downside is their poverty, but are hard-working and generally moral. Is it really such a stretch to exclude a people who overtly despise our culture, plot its downfall, and believe they have a god-given right (if not responsibility) to rape women who don't live down to their standards?

What is worse, however, is that many westerners actually defend this behavior:

As far as the Western feminists are concerned, they seem to be hovering in other dimensions, in absolute arrogance, learned from ethnologues like Claude Lévy-Strauss. For them, freedom is that each "culture" may it be as inhuman as can be, is entitled to prosper even on our soil. The next act in this surrealistic piece of stage play is the unlimited understanding that Norwegian Professor Ms. Unni Wikan, shows for Muslims raping Western women: Norwegian women must take their share of responsibility for these rapes, as they are not dressing and behaving according to Muslim understanding. The Norwegian women, in her view, are to realize that they live in a multicultural society and adapt themselves to it, as Mark Steyn reported already in 2002.

If this is correct, am I to believe that the women who were burning their bras forty years ago are advocating full robes today?! It's okay to be dominated by men, so long as it's not American men? Did I oversleep and miss the Stupid Train?

The Muslim male immigrants hate it in the USA because they are not totally free to live according to the sharia.

I'm glad to see we're holding the line for the moment. But make no mistake: the line must continue to be held. As more and more muslims come to this country they will gain confidence in their ability to coerce, threaten, and dominate our culture to the point that no one will dare resist them, either from fear or from "moral superiority."

The Great American Melting Pot is a thing of the past. Celebrating diversity is the "in" thing these days. Except the muslims don't want to celebrate, nor do they want diversity. If they get their way it will be "Celebrate Sharia Or Die!"

I understand there are many, many muslims in America who are more than happy with American values, culture, and law. To them I extend my welcome, and express my hopes that they are helping the newer immigrants to adjust.

But to the immigrants coming here hoping to impress muslim culture on America I have but one thing to say: This is America, the land of scanty fashions and strong-willed women. Keep your pants on and go take a cold shower. Or stay home.

Blurring The Lines

the New York Times has written an article about how Wal-Mart is using bloggers to disseminate information in defense of its image, tarnished recently by legislation in Maryland aimed at making the corporate monolith pay more for employee health care.

The problem, evidently, is that many bloggers repeat the Wal-Mart message verbatim without appropriate citation. I agree, that would be the helpful and ethical thing to do. Anyone who takes their reputation seriously should do so.

But other than that, the media has little to complain about. If people are turning to blogs rather than mainstream media for news, it's because the mainstream media is:
a) not interested in the same things people are,
b) not fairly or accurately reporting the news,
c) pushing an agenda that is not shared by the public,
d) too expensive or inconvenient to access, or
e) any of the above.

It's not surprising that Wal-Mart is using this medium to get out its message. In an environment where traditional marketing is becoming less and less effective, it's only a matter of time before something as popular as blogs gets subverted into just another marketing channel. If you've read "Pattern Recognition" by William Gibson, you're aware of much more inventive (or perhaps devious) methods that aren't that much of a stretch. It's only a matter of time before some inventive soul moves us beyond Blogads and begins to blur the lines of traditional ethics.

Wal-Mart, at least, is encouraging bloggers to attribute correctly. Bloggers are under no legal requirement to do so. It's only a matter of time before targeted marketing starts to find its subtle way into blogging like vanilla insinuating its sublime, earthy warmth into the fizzy lusciousness of an ice cold, tongue-tingling Coca Cola.

Now where did that come from?!

Just Another Manic Monday

A co-worker approached me this morning and informed me I was accompanying him to Phoenix next week for business. This was news to me, and not welcome news at that. I have no desire to leave town right now, especially for a week. Fortunately I went to the project manager later to find out just what it is they want me to do in Phoenix. It turns out he had me confused with someone else. I'm not going anywhere.

Then I get a phone call about my father being in the hospital. This is the same father who was given a grim prognosis last fall, and then proceeded to stage a miraculous recovery. In lieu of details I assumed the old disease was back. It turns out it's something else altogether--something operable. Not that surgery at his age and condition is a great option, either, but it's better than the terminal inoperable condition he supposedly had last fall.

Then, of course, I had a person I needed information from for a top priority project stand me up twice. I finally was able to contact her this afternoon, however, and things are moving forward again. This week is not off to a great start.

On the other hand, I found that I do have some options for composition software. Finale, which is the package I learned on in college, has a free-ware version they offer as a lead in to get you to buy any of four upgrade-to-full versions. The freeware version doesn't seem to offer any sequencing functionality, but it handles notation well, and does offer limited playback so you can check to make sure it doesn't sound too awful. It's a 30 MB download, but it's pretty good for free. I may be able to arrange a piece for the choir after all.

The top-o-th'-line version looks pretty darn impressive as a sequencer and composition tool. But it's $500, requires WinXP, and up to 1 GB of memory for the more advanced features. I guess that will have to wait. But ooooooh...covet covet.

Didn't See THAT One Coming...

Today I was asked to be the permanent choir director for our church choir. I rather expected it. I would have had to have done a pretty lousy job last week for the Bishopric to NOT think "Hmmmm...why not just have him do it?"

I'm a little ambivalent about it. I did feel a tangible sense of relief last week when I thought I was done with it. On the other hand, I'm also sensing some eagerness about it, too. My mind is already trying to write a new arrangement of a hymn I'm thinking of doing. I wish I had the software to make composing--or at least notation--easier.

I do enjoy music, and I enjoy creating it. The choir seems fairly enthusiastic about me continuing. I can think of worse positions. I can easily remember HAVING worse positions. Not that long ago, too. It'll be fun.

Priceless

Emma had an in-house meet yesterday at her gymnastics school. The kids don't compete against each other so much as against themselves. She performed in four different events; floor exercise, balance beam, vault, and bar. In each event they evaluate the kids against what they should be able to do, and then award you a white, red, or blue ribbon accordingly. Then they award bronze, silver, or gold medals for your performance overall.

Emma earned three blue ribbons and a red for a gold medal overall. We're quite proud of her. We thought the meet would last longer than it did, so we'd planned to trade off so that the boys wouldn't have to sit through it. As it was, when I arrived with the boys for the hand-off they were nearly done. I got to watch Emma's vault, at least, and she did do quite well compared to some of the other kids I saw.

Emma, of course, was bubbling over. "I like winning!" became her mantra for the evening. Preparing for the meet has certainly increased her enthusiasm for gymnastics lately. I think she finally realized that all these things they learn actually have a point to them. She's had a blast memorizing her routines.

At any rate, it was another of those moments when you get to see just how amazing your kids are. I have no idea how far she'll go--or want to go--with gymnastics, but for now she's really enjoying herself, and learning quite a few things that will help her throughout life. It's been money well spent. Yesterday's meet was definitely a "Mastercard Moment."

Speak Lies To Weakness

There's a phrase that has been overused to the point of Inigo-ism ("You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means!"): Speaking truth to power. Just what does that mean, exactly? And how does one know it's the truth, anyhow? But because I want to be hip and part of the counter-culture, I'm going to send the following letter to my senator. I'm pretty sure this is the right direction, as usually that phase is used in context of dealing with the government. Anyway, I digress:

Dear Senator,

I want to be make a difference in the world. I want to speak truth to power. In that vein, I have the following to say to you, oh powerful one:

- I don't know even 10% of what is going on in Iraq.
- I haven't a clue about the intricacies of the UAE Ports deal, or how trustworthy anyone from the UAE is.
- I didn't vote in the last library bond election.
- I have a scar on my upper left arm.
- I have never had a piercing.
- I did, however, accidently stab myself in the throat with a pair of scissors once.
- The current administration are all a bunch of human beings who are neither as good or as evil as most people make them out to be.
- It is unknown how many planets are in our solar system currently, as there is considerable debate as to what constitutes a "planet."
- I do not own a dog.
- I just ate several peanut-butter chip chocolate cookies.
- They were good, or rather, I found them to be good.
- If I had more I would eat them too.
- Spying on Americans is wrong, except when it isn't.
- Spying on foreign citizens on US soil who may have connections to groups devoted to killing US Citizens is probably a good idea.
- Unless you are a foreign citizen on US soil who may have connections to groups devoted to killing US citizens.
- I actually can't verify the veracity of the previous two statements, but they sound like truth. I know. It's not the same thing. It also sounds true to me that I should be in charge of everything.
- I have a copy of "The Lord of the Rings" in Finnish.
- The whole "Cheney Shoot Friend" incident could have been handled better.
- Even if it had, the press would still have had a field day over it.
- The press are better at telling other people the right thing to do than they are at doing the right thing.
- Homer Simpson is a fictional character.
- I know less about foreign policy than I do about Bablyon 5.
- I still haven't filed my taxes.
- Speaking truth to power takes a long time, and I find it boring.
- It no longer requires an apple a day to keep the doctor away. They no longer make housecalls.

Thank you for listening,

Your constituent.

If You're Going To Do Something...

...Do it big!

Many of you recall that I became a fan of The Apprentice: Martha Stewart last year. As a result I got to watching The Apprentice: Donald Trump as well. This year I tried to resist, but I decided to watch Trumps Season Five opener. I may as well admit that I'm going to watch every week now, especially since my wife also got dragged in. And I may as well admit I'm going to blog about it.

So rather than punish all of you, who probably couldn't care one fig, I've created a new blog for it. I present: Apprentii Voyeur. Yeah, I'm one sad, sick soul. But I'm also experimenting with the commercial market and more focused blogging. I'm not ready to try taking this blog to the world at large, but I'd be willing to do it on something of less consequence.

So check it out if you like. Or don't. I won't be hurt.

Trump and Martha: Not a Good Thing

If you ask me, and as usual you haven't, darn you, I think both Trump and Stewart are behaving badly in their little "Apprentice" spat. Martha continues to stick to her story that creator Burnett and NBC planned for her to fire Trump and have just one show. Trump continues to claim her show was terrible and she needs to take responsibility for that.

To Trump I'd ask "Why are Burnett and NBC staying quiet in this? Neither has, to my knowledge, confirmed or denied Martha's claim. And for my money, I preferred Martha.

To Martha I'd say "You've got nothing to gain from this. Take the high ground. Either get someone to confirm your story or drop it."

But one point that has come out in this whole mess is hard to refute. Stewart claims that brand dilution hurt her show. Trump made a similar claim back in November, 2005.

In an ABC News Radio interview airing Thursday, Trump said the fourth edition of his corporate-themed NBC reality show “The Apprentice” was being dragged down in the ratings by Stewart’s faltering spinoff series.

“I think there was confusion between Martha’s ‘Apprentice’ and mine, and mine continues to do well and ... the other one has struggled very severely,” the real estate tycoon said. “I think it probably hurt mine, and I sort of predicted that it would.”

I can think of two other cases that support that assessment. "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" are essentially the same show, but they never show at the same time. If I'm not mistaken, one shows in the Fall Season, and the other in the Summer Season. At the very least I've never seen them back to back.

Another successful show, "The Biggest Loser," launched several follow-on editions this year, but their main show took center stage. The other editions (families, couples, etc) came after the main show brought down the curtain.

The "Bachelor/ette" franchise is on ABC, but "The Biggest Loser" is an NBC creation, so I'm surprised that NBC didn't take a similar approach. I'm not sure why Donald and Martha didn't insist on it. Such a bizarre scheduling only support's Martha's claims about firing Donald, but ultimately both Trump and Stewart supposedly saw the main problem--at least after the fact.

At any rate, Martha's claims are not new. Donald's had plenty of time to respond before now. It's interesting to note that Donald is the only one who has anything to gain from this debacle, and it just happens to be going on right as his latest show (which still had ratings problems) is about to launch. I'm probably not the only one suffering from television burnout after the Olympics.

By the way, it's probably just a coincidence that Trump chose to call attention to Martha's daytime show by ripping on it. Yeah, Uh huh. This feud is much better scripted than their hideous commercials they did together plugging both their shows.

Prediction: Watch for the spat to cool after tonight, and for the two to reconcile at the first sign of ratings drop for this season's "Apprentice."

Me? Cynical? Nah. I'm too jaded to be cynical.

Finns Party On Ice

From an article on MSNBC.

The Finns appeared to have recovered from the loss quickly, with thousands of hockey fans braving freezing temperatures in Helsinki’s central market square late Sunday to celebrate the nation’s silver medal.

A six-hour ceremony, with local singers performing on outdoor stages, ended in the homecoming of for Finnish “Lions.” Flag-waving fans greeted the team with shouts at the icy waterfront square near the president’s palace.

I've been in that square. Only serious Finnish Hockey fans would stand in out there in freezing temperatures and icy winds slicing in off the sea for six hours. I did it for ten minutes and thought I'd never thaw out. Perhaps the ceremony only lasted two hours, and it took four more hours to chip everyone loose from the cobblestones.

I'm not sure which is more weird; to read about things happening in someplace I've been several times, or that I still find it weird to read about things happening someplace I've been several times.

Weekend GRound-Up

Finland lost to Sweden, 3-2. The US Ski Team is promising to crack down on the behavior of their members. Apollo Anton Ohno won more medals than he won in SLC, with less hype. Bode managed to do worse. The US won 25 medals; four less than Germany, and with Canada, Austria, and Russia nipping at their heels.

The Olympics are over. I'll miss it. I'll also enjoy having my evenings free. What is it about the Olympics? I don't follow any of these sports at any other time. I don't even watch Champions on Ice.

While watching the Figure Skating Gala with my wife I commented that it was nice to be able to watch them skate without the commentators criticizing every move. And I meant it. On the other hand, the air of competition is a tangible element. Take that away and you have a bunch of athletes skating beautifully--and well below their abilities. Only Yvgeny Plushenko seemed to skate like something depended on it.

The drama of competition is compelling, at least for me. A large part of the Olympics is the personal element--something largely missing in American sports. The coverage usually assumes you already follow the sport and know all the personal details. The Olympics coverage thrives on making it personal, on giving you a reason to care. There's pageantry and drama, fame and fortune, and winning and losing measured in hundredths of seconds or points. We love the villains as much as the heroes. And, at least for me, we love watching people doing their best, regardless of nationality.

There's also the fact that the Olympics only come around every other year. I can spare a few weeks every few years, especially when it's compressed and packaged so nicely. It also wears me out. I need a few years to decompress.

---

I directed the church choir on Sunday as a pinch-hitter until they find a permanent replacement. We had big-wigs coming, and so they needed someone to put together a choir number. It came off well, and I had fun.

I've often heard of the phenomenon of people who had never been to practices suddenly appearing for the performance. I'd never seen it, really, until yesterday. We met before the meeting to run through it again, and suddenly I had a bunch of teenagers filling out the soprano and bass sections. At least they had a chance to run it once before performance, I guess.

Another young man joined the bass section, but he at least had the decency to ask me later if I minded if he jumped in. All in all, a rather odd situation, but it came out okay. And now the choir is someone else's problem.

I was also asked to sing a solo for a later meeting with just the men. It's been awhile since I was that nervous singing in public. It came off okay, too, though I got a phlegm-clot in my throat that made my voice rougher than I would have preferred. I guess I spent too long among college voice professors who would tell it to me straight. But, like Tiffany, I've had to learn to grin and be gracious in the face of compliments.

The two performances almost back-to-back left me drained the rest of the day. The whole weekend left me drained, really.

Saturday morning I took the kids with me while Terhi cleaned the house. Emma had a make-up lesson for gymnastics, so I took her there and then took the boys for a walk in the unusually warm weather. We couldn't have picked a better neighborhood, as far as Walter was concerned.

The gymnastics school is in an industrial district that is still party under construction. Go up the street one direction and you pass a auto transport business, complete with car carrier trucks all loaded up and sitting close to the street. Farther up the street they are extending the road. Lined up and parked for the weekend were no less than four tractors: a scraper, a front loader, a grader, and a bulldozer. We were able to get a very close look (To my son's credit, he had NO interest in actually touching them, and got rather mad at me if I got within five feet. We've done something right.)

We observed the heavy equipment for close to half an hour, probably. Walter did most of the talking, going on and on about which vehicles they were (he is THE expert when it comes to identifying heavy machinery), and which ones he wanted for his birthday (essentially, all of them).

He finally tired of the tractors, so we headed up the street the other direction. There we saw a couple of forklifts and a mini-excavator. He discoursed at length about what the forklifts did, but again did not want to get close. As we returned to the gymnastics school he pointed out which parts of the street, most of which is still in post-construction/pre-landscaping condition, were dug by skid-steers and which required back-hoes.

By the time we finished I felt the construction area needed one more yellow sign: Caution - Active, sponge-like mind at work!

We returned to the school in time to watch the last few minutes of Emma's practice. I'd watched their warmups for a few moments before we'd left and had been impressed how smooth a runner she is. The other girls were all arms and legs in all directions, but with Emma there was not a wasted motion. She could probably run laps the entire class without tiring.

When we returned she was practicing her balance beam routine. She's five, so we're not talking anything complicated. She essentially climbs onto the beam (no small feat, considering it's about a foot taller than she is), does some forward steps, some sideways steps, and some backward steps, then jumps off for her dismount (again, no small feat in my eyes). She's got the routine memorized, and she practiced over and over again while the instructor worked with other kids.

It's easy to take Emma for granted around home, but put her with a bunch of other kids her own age and the difference is obvious. She is extremely disciplined and focused by comparison. She pays attention. She works hard. I'm very proud of her.

She'll be "competing" in her first in-house meet next weekend. Terhi and I will probably have to tag-team, as the boys aren't likely to want to stay put that long. I'm not sure even Emma will want to stay put that long. But I'm looking forward to seeing how my little girl handles herself. I'll probably experience a Lileksian "My little girl is growing up and outgrowing daddy" moment.

Parenting: Ecstatic Evisceration.

---

Friday night we attended a "friendship dinner" organized by our church. Terhi and I are not social people. We prefer small groups. By small groups I mean two or three other people and maybe an extra kid or two. This was five couples and between 15 and 25 kids, complicated by dinner. I barely got to know anyone better (the supposed intention of the event), and I barely got to eat. I won't be disappointed if we don't get invited to another one anytime soon.

On Saturday afternoon we had my brother and his family over for dinner. Their youngest and our two oldest spent the time after dinner chasing each other all over the house. Compared with the previous night, it seemed rather peaceful.

In hindsight, though, no wonder Terhi and I were completely dead by last night. With weekends like that, who needs weekdays?

The Winter War

My adopted country just kicked some Russian behinds. Now they face the Swedes (big, big rivalry, believe me) for gold. I suspect just about every Finn in the country will be glued to their television set Sunday night. The Gulf of Bothnia could get very warm.

Big Fat-Waaaaah!

Mormons Not Laughing About Polygamy Comedy "Big Love."

Perhaps, but we're also not calling for the creator and writers to be beheaded, or threatening riots, death, and destruction in any city that dares to show it. Heck, I doubt that many will even boycott it--or call it that if they choose not to watch it. I wouldn't be surprised if quite a few DO watch it, frankly.

On the other hand, we may still ply our neighbors with green Jell-o salad with shredded carrots, and excess zucchini from our gardens. That may count as terrorism, I suppose, if we hadn't already been doing that.

That Figures

Well, I didn't get what I wanted. Hughes fell. Meissner bobbled. Cohen fell--twice. Slutskaya fell. There were many impressions of a curling stone throughout the evening. But Shizuka Arakawa put together a clean, elegant program that, though perhaps lacking in passion, earned her Japan's first-ever women's gold, and the country's first medal in Torino.

I'm very pleased for her. She was living in the shadow of Slutskaya and Cohen, both of which were favored by the media to win, while her name was seldom mentioned--even though she was less than a point behind either of the two leaders. Perhaps it was that lack of attention and pressure that made the difference. Both Slutskaya and Cohen succumbed to the pressure.

I'm also pleased with Sasha Cohen. After falling twice on her first two jumps, I expected her to fold. Instead she came back and nailed the rest of her routine, displaying all the grace and elegance she is famous for. Ultimately, it was her artistic flair that saved her--and earned her a silver. Her artistic marks were considerably higher than her technical marks.

Slutskaya I feel for. She is not an artistic skater. Enthusiasm, for which she has never lacked, does not always translate into artistry. And after she fell, her enthusiasm seemed to flag as well. With the strong showing by Arakawa, she needed to skate the technical performance of her life, and she just couldn't do it.

In the end, however, I'm not sure either Slutskaya or Cohen could have beaten Arakawa. Though falling twice as often, Cohen was only just over a point behind Slutskaya in the technical marks for jumps, so it's entirely possible that even landing both jumps wouldn't have made up the nine point deficit she ultimately lost by. Slutskaya would have had to achieved technical perfection, not just landed all her jumps.

It was Arakawa's night. While not the darling of the short program, she started last night only seven tenths of a point in the hole. Not much of a hole, but it was evidently deep enough to hide in while the pressure got to everyone else.

Incidentally, either NBC is going more international in their coverage, or Finland is starting to build its skating program. Two Finns, Kiira Korpi and Susanna Poykio, skated last night. They earned 14th and 15th place. It was nice to see.

Ice Ballet

I'm sure I watched some during the Salt Lake Olympics, but I'd forgotten just how amazing short track speed skating relay is to watch. Here you have a fast race on a small oval with four teams of three skaters. One group is skating the race, a second group is moving around the inside of the track while waiting to zip onto the track for the "push-off", and a third group is cooling down from their racing laps while staying out of the way of the other two groups.

The result is a multi-colored swirl of activity that somehow manages to go on for 27 laps without much more than an occasional jostling. I'd recommend you not watch it if you're already experiencing stomach distress. The constant churning is hypnotic nigh unto dizzying.

In other news...hey, wouldn't you know it, Bode Miller didn't do anything newsworthy today. Or maybe he did. I'm avoiding the online results so that when I watch the women's figureskating finals tonight it will actually be a surprise.

Freestyle Aerials is a scary sport. You ski down a hill and up a ramp that throws you five stories in the air while you spin like an astronaut on a NASA 3D centrifuge, hoping to land on both feet on a steep and slippery slope below. That's not a sport where you want to make a bad landing. I didn't see any red stains on the hillside, though, so I assume it doesn't happen very often--or they hide the evidence quickly when it does.

Why do I get the idea that this sport's origination included alcohol and a double-dog dare?

Slippery Slope (And this isn't about skiing)

Here's an article about the results of approving gay partnerships in Sweden. (Hat Tip: Dr. Sanity)

If this doesn't scare you, then you scare me!

So Sue-o-me!

The American hockey team just lost their last chance at a medal. I have a hard time feeling sorry for them. Not when they lose to my adopted country, Finland.

Hyvää Suomi! Otta keltainen! (And pardon my Finnish!)

Let's Not Forget The Commercials

Let me just start with a disclaimer that I don't watch the Super Bowl. So if any of the following commercials are leftovers from that, oh well. I wouldn't know.

That said, I will not be sad to see an end of Olmpic commercials. Most of them are getting just a little old about now. So of course that means review time!

I do not want to make friends with my "fast," thank you.
Boo to Volkswagen and its series of commercials in which supposedly normal men are mentally controlled by a plastic figurine with an evil voice that resembles a Pokemon reject with glowing eyes. So your cars are turbocharged. Whoop-de-blippin' doo. I'd never notice while stuck in traffic on Emerald anyhow. And your sinister little Id-ling may actually be a turn-off. I know my wife hates it. And I for one wouldn't want to drive a Volkswagen if it means I've got to take orders from a Happy Meal prize from Hades.

Fine, but I'm still not going to let him jump on the bed.
A local insurance company has some rather cute commercials showing little kids doing little-kid things like jumping up and down on the bed, rocking forward in their shoes, pushing their wagon back and forth--and then switching over to show how each of those things translates into an Olympic sport. The intent is to show that our lovely little-un's could one day become world-class atheletes--and they're there to help with the money issues. It's cute the first time or two. It hasn't been cute since...oh, last monday.

I know it's beer, but...it's SOOO CUTE!
They have other commercials as well, but Budweiser has a series of commercials showing a clydesdale colt yearning to be all grown up and pulling the famous wagon as one of the famous team of horses. The absolute cutest one is where the colt sneaks into the barn and sees the wagon all set up and ready to go, including a harness. Sneaking a look around, he puts his head in the harness, then takes a practice pull just for fun.

The wagon moves, and the colt is surprised that he's actually big enough to move it. Growing more confident, he pulls some more and succeeds in pulling the wagon out of the barn. As the wagon passes across the screen we see two adult clydesdales (we assume it's momma and pappa) quietly pushing the wagon with their noses from behind. As the proud colt, unaware he is getting help, continues pulling the wagon across the farmyard, we see the farmer and his dog leaning against the part observing the entire scene. He looks down at the dog and says, "I won't tell if you don't."

Baby horses with oversized hooves. Take my word for it, it's cute.

They win, you win, but only if Coke wins
Coke has a bizarre series of commercials where a bunch of sports fans are (I assume) rehearse a bunch of customized cheers for specific Olympic events. The idea is that when our athletes win a medal, Coke customers win a prize. Therefore these guys are taking it very, very seriously that they should cheer on the Home Team. Way too much effort for a free can of Coke (they're very careful not to even hint at what the prizes might be). Way too annoying to want to watch more than once.

Speaking of revolutions, where's my torch and pitchfork?
Chevy is a major sponsor. Goodie for them. Enough commercials. The only cute one is where a family of prairie dogs check out the interior of a Suburban, and like it so much that they drop it into their colony. The prairie dogs are cute. For the first couple of times.

There is another commercial where a large family in a Suburban stare incredulously at a family passing by that requires three cars to hold the same number of people (the dog gets his own car. Har har, funny funny). There's an empty boat trailer following behind, sparking madly. I guess that's because small cars don't tow trailers? I dunno. It makes no sense to me. Please go away.

Even worse is the one where three superfans (shirtless, painted up so that the three of them spell USA) lose one of their trio into an icy pond. They pull him out, frozen stiff, and decide they need the "S" more than he needs to receive medical care. They haul him around, Weekend At Bernie's style, from event to event and prop him up between them. Some attractive women think the frozen guy is cute. They accidentally knock him over into the bobsled track where he slides to the bottom.

Woo.

Please go away. It wasn't funny the first time.

Last but not least
McDonalds is getting wierder and wierder. The "I'm Lovin' It" appeal to the black population is fine. But what's with the series of commercials with people sitting on a bench next to a Ronald McDonald statue. One guy with red hair and similar clothes feels oddly compelled to mimic Ronald's positioning. A girl pours out her soul to the statue, then seems disappointed that he doesn't answer her request for advice. I just don't get it. How does this make me want to buy more semi-dangerous food?

Cohen: Take That!

I watched the Women's Figureskating short program last night. A very nice night of elegant drama, in which the US women did well. Kimmie Meissner came out and put up a 1st place score that held for half the competition until Irena Slutskaya came out and nailed a energetic, fun performance. Emily Hughes put up a credible performance in which she seemed to have more fun than is usually associated with figure skating. They're currently in fifth and seventh place--still in range of medals when the pressure of the long program starts to take its toll.

But of course the star of the evening was Sasha Cohen. Skating dead last in a field of 29, she faced two strong performances by Slutskaya and Japan's Shizuka Arakawa, both sitting nearly six points ahead of the rest of the field. She skated the heck out of her program (rivaling Hughes for apparent enjoyment) and landed in first place--by three-hundredths of a point.

Just to put that in perspective, second-place Slutskaya is just over 10% ahead of the fourth place competitor, and 1% ahead of third. Cohen is just .04% ahead of Slutskaya.

The pressure to deliver on Thursday must be incredibly intense--for everyone. We're not talking about the Russian of Steel Yvgeny Plushenko, who was pretty much untouchable in the men's competition, finishing nearly 11% ahead of anyone else. Slutskaya and Cohen have a long history of choking under pressure. With such a thin margin, both will be under incredible strain to make every single move count. It's not a position I would want to be in.

Who will I be cheering for? Cohen, I suppose. But what would I most like to see? I'd like to see Irena, Sasha, Shizuka, Emily and Kimmie skate the performances of their lives so they can all walk away with no regrets. I'd hate to see a bunch of young women polishing the ice with their backsides as they each succumb to the pressure. Call me unpatriotic, but if they all skate really well and the top spots go to Russia or Japan, I'm okay with that.

But I'm already glad for Cohen. Last night should silence her critics for a little while.

Everyone Loves a Winner

Almost as entertaining as the Olympics is the media covering them. One theme has really come through--if you're going to deviate from their expected norms you'd dang well better win. Otherwise they'll eviscerate you.

Going into the Olympics Bode Miller was a gifted non-conformist with the courage to find his own path to success. Now he's a over-confident, out-of-shape slacker who should be ashamed of his poor performance and partying ways. He's gone from media darling to media dog.

Sasha Cohen has been avoiding the media since the got to Torino, choosing instead to train. The media, desperate to create an Olympic hero, has grown increasingly irritated by her lack of face time, choosing to mostly ignore the other two teammembers. What coverage Emily Hughes gets is partly because of her having replaced Michelle Kwan and partly because of the Sarah Hughes tie-in. But they don't think much of her chances and so don't care to cover her any more than necessary.

So doggone it, Sasha had better win a medal or they'll brand her as a press-hating workaholic who took herself too seriously and drove herself too hard. Never mind the fact that if she had participated more in the interviews and nightlife and still lost they'd still insist she got caught up in her own hype and folded under the pressure.

On the other hand, if she wins she'll definitely become the heroine of the games, the Anti-Bode, the serious athelete who understood that sacrifices had to be made in order to win.

No, the media isn't in the news business. They're in the drama business. Win or lose, they will create the drama to go with it. They love a winner, but they're nearly as happy to lay into you with the steel-toed boots if necessary.

The Great Seitan

It's probably no secret by now that our family is pretty much living a vegetarian lifestyle. Over the weekend we were able to finally try seitan, which is a gluten derivative used to replace meat. I have to say it's pretty good. We made stroganoff with it, and I really enjoyed it. Unfortunately it's pretty spendy stuff, costing $4 for half a pound, so I don't see us eating a lot of it in the future. This weekend was a special occasion.

There is supposedly a recipe for making it yourself. I may have to look into it. I've made significant progress in creating my own veggie burgers (they taste good, but they're not perfect yet), and I've been tempted to try making my own tofu (once, just to see what it's like). Perhaps seitan would be worth a try.

You know, I never, ever, in a million years imagined I'd ever write two paragraphs like that. What a bizarre turn of events...

Olympic Snobbery

I've been watching some of the Olympics here and there. I've also been reading some of the critics who over and over suggest that the snowboarding events aren't true sports or that the participants are all slackers or somehow unworthy of being considered atheletes. They seem convinced that snowboarding is indicative of a particular lifestyle that is somehow inconsistent with serious sports.

Nothing I have seen this week provides any justification for such snobbery. As one of the critics grudgingly admitted, they're just as proud and shed just as many tears on the medal podium as the National Anthem plays as their counterparts in other sports. I've seen them work just as hard for their medals as anyone else. I'd like to see Bode Miller or John Weir run four or more events in a single day like Seth Wescott.

The camaradarie and sportsmanship they display is impressive. In the snowboardcross finals the second-place racer, just barely edged out for first place, wrapped the winner in a big bear hug. All the competitors usually exchange handshakes or hugs at the bottom, even those who got bumped off the course by others.

It's ironic that athletes in a sport known for nonconformists should so soundly embrace conformity when it matters. But if there is one area where they are not conforming to convention, it would be this: They seem to be having a lot of fun.

To twist a quote from the movie "I.Q.": So this is what we are missing in Olympics. Screaming!

Which Sci-Fi Crew Are You?

You scored as SG-1 (Stargate). You are versatile and diverse in your thinking. You have an open mind to that which seems highly unlikely and accept it with a bit of humor. Now if only aliens would stop trying to take over your body. SG-1 (Stargate) 75% Babylon 5 (Babylon 5) 69% FBI's X-Files Division (The X-Files) 63% Moya (Farscape) 63% Nebuchadnezzar (The Matrix) 63% Enterprise D (Star Trek) 63% Deep Space Nine (Star Trek) 56% Millennium Falcon (Star Wars) 56% Serenity (Firefly) 50% Bebop (Cowboy Bebop) 50% Galactica (Battlestar: Galactica) 50% Andromeda Ascendant (Andromeda) 44% Your Ultimate Sci-Fi Profile II: which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? (pics) created with QuizFarm.com

I haven't seen much of Stargate SG-1, but what I've seen suggests this is not off the mark. I'm especially delighted to see B5 a close second.

And yes, those pesky aliens trying to take over my body are really getting on my nerves!

Wrestling With The Past

I stumbled across Tracy Chapman's song "Fast Car" yesterday. I remember when it first came out in the late '80s. I tried not to like it because it was one of those "big, important songs," and because the verses had that annoying over-an-over riff. But it was a song that could not be ignored.

I still can't. The context I found it in was as part of a music video put together by some Jewish students. They actually don't do too bad a job, but the song is much bigger than them, and even through their antics I couldn't help by pay attention to the song.

A while back I posted a commentary on what makes great art. By that definition this song is it. I've never lived the life she describes in her song, but that song makes me start to understand how it feels. It is so well produced it just grabs you by the collar and won't let go until it's done. It's clean, it's honest, and it musically reinforces the story it tells. It's uncomfortable. It is great music.

Last night we had a couple young men from church over for dinner. They were part of a ward activity to help them prepare for being missionaries one day. We agreed to host them; Terhi made an "Australian" dinner, while I told them about the country and some experiences.

In getting ready I've been digging through some of my memorabilia and doing some online research. While digging around online I found a website for alumni of my old mission and decided to register. Since then I've recieved a couple emails from former companions. Old memories have been bothering me all week.

I have to admit that I'd be more comfortable if it had all stayed buried. I enjoyed my mission. I learned a lot. But truth be told, I was a lousy missionary. It's hard to relive the more pleasant memories of my mission without revisiting all the guilt that goes with it. The whole thing has left me rather unsettled. I'd like to think I've improved since then, but sometimes I really have to wonder.

I guess some things are best left in storage.

Another Viewpoint

Here's an interesting article from the Opinion Journal, by Amir Taheri about what Islam really preaches and exposing the main troublemakers behind the current row. I really hope this gentleman is the rule, not the exception. (Hat Tip Instapundit)

Yard Therapy

Last night I got out in the yard for an hour or so and cleaned up our flower beds before the sun went down. It's amazing how good fresh air feels. It's refreshing to see the signs of life stirring up through the soil. There's something viscerally satisfying to pruning a bush. And oh, the fun I'm going to have, when it comes time to trim the shrubs! (I just bought a pair of Fiskars hedge trimmers. [TimTaylor] Uoh uoh uoh! [/TimTaylor] Take a look at this model of Finnish engineering and tell me you don't get a primal urge to grab those babies and start whacking away at something!)

(Side note: Fiskars scissors and tools divisions is headquartered in the US today, but the corporation is still Finnish. For more interesting information, read "Fiskars 1649 - 350 Years of Finnish Industrial History")

But I digress...

The evening couldn't have come at a better time. After writing yesterday's post I was getting more and more depressed about the horrific world my children are growing up in. The evening reminded me of a few things:

- Life still goes on
- Kids will always be kids (evidenced by their delight in spreading mums seeds all over creation and jabbing each other with sticks I'd just pruned from the flowering bush)
- Cats love work--they can sit and watch it out the window for hours
- Life can never be too bad when you have a warm house and a loving spouse to return to when the work is done.
- There is always going to be more work (and trouble) to deal with than we have time or ability to deal with it, so just do the best you can today and worry about tomorrow tomorrow.
- Even in the age of video games and talking toys, nothing replaces a good wheelbarrow ride.
- Even on a warm day, it's still February, and when the sun starts to go down it gets pretty darn cold!

After the kids went to bed I cocooned myself with "LOTR: The Two Towers." I didn't finish the entire thing, but I got far enough to where they are preparing for the defense of Helms Deep and fighting despair. Someday I'll have to reread the books to see if Jackson just made it up or if there was a textual basis for it, but this battle seems to be set as Aragorn's moment of truth, where he finally faces the decision to remain in the shadows or accept his destiny.

It is interesting, too, that Aragorn seems to get his lesson in leadership from King Theoden of Rohan. The more I watch the movies, the more I love Theoden above many of the others. Before the battle he is loudly proclaiming his confidence that their fortress and their men will withstand the orc invaders bearing down on them. Aragorn calls him on it, reminding him that there is little hope.

His response to Aragorn: "What would you have me do?!" The unspoken message is that if he listened to Aragorn the battle would be lost before it even began. The Rohirrim would defeat themselves before the orcs even could. Better to manufacture confidence and courage where none exists than to wallow in defeatism and hopelessness.

Though Theoden is not destined to be one of the "Great Men of the Age," he shows more heart than just about anyone in the series, including Aragorn. Perhaps this is because he is not one of the Great Men. He has no magical powers or divine commission like Gandalf. He has no prophecy and a fabled sword behind him like Aragorn. He is just a man, and one who fell prey to evil to boot. All he has is his heart, his leadership, and a desire to be more than what he has been to this point.

There is another exchange between Theoden and Aragorn earlier in the movie. Theoden is taking council from Gandalf as to what course of action to pursue. I don't remember the specific lines, as the significance of the scene just occurred to me, but Theoden makes a statement indicating that he wants to avoid war. Aragorn counters, saying that war is coming, nonetheless. Theoden fires back a reminder that Aragorn is not the king of Rohan.

At the time I took the statement at face value, that Theoden did not appreciate Aragorn's criticism. But after consideration, I suspect there is a great deal of subtext in the exchange. Aragorn is supposedly destined to become The king of men, and yet he has largely avoided this destiny his entire life. Perhaps Theoden is saying that he (Theoden) has accepted his responsibility as king and has little respect for the advice of someone who has avoided theirs.

And I think the criticism strikes a chord with Aragorn. Though it still takes him awhile, I think he starts waking up and accepting his role at this point. I think it takes the "mere man" of Theoden to show the larger-than-life Aragorn how to be king.

Just like it takes Eowyn, Theoden's daughter, to show Aragorn how to be a man. But that's another story for another time.

Comic Relief

I've been somewhat following the whole Danish Comics debacle. It seems to me that this whole thing has been staged by one or more parties that have something to gain from forcing the conflict between western culture and Islam. There are plenty of options for who that might be. But consider:

A) A Danish newspaper gets the notion that the media is censoring itself when it comes to criticizing Islam. So their solution? To see if it's true they offer money to a bunch of cartoonists to do it.

Problem #1 - I doubt, if their thesis is true, that the problem is reporters or cartoonists being unwilling to criticize Islam. Most of these people will likely do whatever brings in the money. It's the editors that are performing the censorship, if it does exist. So all that they really prove is that they're acknowledging their own self-censorship and changing it. Nothing more.

Problem #2 - Why did they choose the cartoon medium? This medium is typically controversial, vicious, and inflammatory by nature. Editorial cartoons are generally intended to evoke emotion, not discussion or thought. Furthermore, did they do any research beforehand to know if they were treading on thin ice by specifically targeting Mohammed? Neither answer paints the paper in a positive light.

Conclusion: The paper is knowingly picking a fight, not promoting dialogue or self-reflection within the media. Freedom of expression aside, shame on them. This is a deliberate provocation of a religious group at best, and very near to shouting "fire!" in a crowded theater at worst.

B) The cartoons were published in September 2005, with no response noted at the time. A Danish Muslim cleric takes it upon himself to "educate" the Muslims in the Middle East as to what the climate in Europe is, not just taking copies of the controversial cartoons, but additional "samples" of anti-Muslim sentiment (some of questionable authenticity) to show around. Nearly five months after the fact, suddenly there is outrage.

Problem #1 - Why such a long delay? If it was that upsetting, then why does it take nearly half a year for the fury to manifest itself?

Problem #2 - What was this cleric's purpose for showing the cartoons around? This seems a calculated act intended to provoke exactly what has occurred.

Conclusion: A delay of five months makes this entire situation seem premeditated. Someone formally decided to be offended and stir up trouble. Time will tell if the timing is coincidental or if this is a calculated move to muddy the water prior to a particularly nasty bit of business that would otherwise have provoked universal outrage. (My prediction: Al Qaeda is about to stage another attack, which will rebuild their image as defenders of Islam in the Islamic world following their PR bungling in Iraq while keeping the West off balance as to the justice of a decisive response. See Prediction #17)

C) At the heart of the situation is supposedly a Koranic passage banning the physical depiction of Mohammed, supposedly to prevent idolatry.

Problem #1 - Since when are infidels expected to follow the Koran? That's what makes us infidels, does it not? It could be just as simple to dismiss this entire incident as the ignorance or pathetic insults of an infidel unworthy of note, but that's not what's happening.

Problem #2 - Mohammed has been depicted in art, both Western and Islamic, many, many times through the ages. Why are infidels expected to keep an Islamic edict that the Muslims themselves do not keep, nor have precedence for enforcing?

Conclusion: It would be very easy for Muslims to dismiss this whole incident and prove they can be a reasonable people. They are choosing not to take that path. That should be telling us something.


D) An Iranian newspaper has announced their own contest to draw cartoons debunking/mocking the Holocaust, supposedly to reveal the hypocrisy of Western defenders of free speech when they don't print these cartoons.

Problem #1 - The original cartoons would have passed on into obscurity (and nearly did, from the sound of it) if the Muslims hadn't kicked up their delayed fuss. The primary reason they have been reprinted so many times lately is because the Muslims insist on making it a news item and a point of cultural conflict.

Problem #2 - Unless they purposely delay the results of their "contest" until after things calm down, the current situation almost guarantees their cartoons will be reprinted. But the Muslims will not be satisfied, placated, or impressed. In fact they'll likely re-spin it that now the West is trying to further stoke anti-Muslim sentiments by publishing the new cartoons.

Problem #3 - Muslim papers have been running nasty cartoons about Jews and the West for quite some time. They see no hypocrisy in the current furor.

Conclusion: Damned if we do, damned if we don't. It will help nothing.

Ultimate Conclusion: The original cartoon contest was a stupid idea hardly worthy of the "Fight For Our Rights" that has sprung up over it. This situation is being manipulated to advance the Muslim Extremist agenda. The timing of this suggests that this particular issue was hand-picked to force the West into a poorly-defensible position in a lose-lose fight. If we back down they will just keep coming back again and again. If we don't back down they'll be able to use this incident to redirect a "Muslim street" that has been shifting every so steadily West-ward, as well as a cover to excuse their next 9/11. Heads: they win. Tails: we lose.

To summarize, let me borrow a couple quotes from Star Trek:

"It's been my experience that evil usually triumphs unless good is very, very careful." - Dr. McCoy, "The Omega Glory"

"Please let me know if there's some other way we can screw up tonight." - Capt. Kirk, "Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country"

Mr. Mom Rides Again

My wife asked me to stay home yesterday and take care of the kids for her. She was in pretty bad shape from the flu, and headed to bed for most of the day, accompanied by her feline heating pads.

The kids were fabulous, really. Walter whined a bit about missing his mom, but other than that, we all came through in decent shape. By dinner time Terhi was feeling a little better (or else felt obligated to get up anyway), and got up in time to eat and help keep the kids entertained until bed time.

The experience helped me realize a few things. One, of course, is just how rough it is to take care of three kids all day. I felt like I was running flat out all day, and like I said, the kids were being GOOD! Fixing meals for five vegetarians--three of which are lactose intolerant, two that can't have nuts, one with no functional teeth--with wildly divergent palates is akin to arranging seating at an international diplomatic banquet. And my wife does this day after day!

It also showed me just how wonderful it is to have me home after work. Even though Terhi was still feeling pretty lousy and couldn't help with much, it was wonderful to have a) another adult to talk to, b) someone who can feed themself without complaining, c) another target for the kids' demands for attention, and d) whatever help she could manage. I'll hopefully be able to play my role a little better now.

The baby is the one that keeps us sane, I think. He's a crackup. He loves to make big, dramatic, totally incomprehensible speeches at the kitchen table, complete with grand gestures and vocal inflections. Then he'll grin ear to ear and collapse into a cute little "aw shucks" slouch. And all the while still pack away as much food as his older brother and sister combined.

I wrapped up the day with a grocery shopping expedition. And a fruitless hunt for pink and purple balloons. Tomorrow, assuming everyone is healthy again, is Emma's "Fairy" birthday party. If I know anything about my daughter, we'll be able to hook her up to a capacitor, place solar panels about the house and collect enough energy and glow to power the house for the next week.

My mission? To keep her two-year-old brother from dying of jealousy. Dum...dum...Da DA, dum...dum...Da DA, dum...dum...Da DA, dum...dum...Da DA,...dweedle-deeeeeeee...dweedle-deeeeee...dweedle-deeeeeeeeeee-DA da!

Must...Protest...Everywhere!

I know this is old news, and that Cindy Sheehan hardly needs more air time, but I can't help it this time. As my Momma always told me, "Life is a box o' choco--" No wait, that's someone else's Momma. My Momma always said "You catch more flies with honey."

How does that apply? Consider this. Whether or not I'm against her views is irrelevant. It's pretty much a given that just about everyone who would be watching the State of the Union Address knows who she is and what she stands for. She has pretty much become a message by herself.

So why can't she show a little respect for the institutions she is trying to influence and dress up? Ditch the t-shirt. It's completely unnecessary at this point. It'd be like putting a big banner on the Statue of Liberty that read "American Symbol."

The room is guaranteed to be full of people who have dressed up for the event. And here she is, wearing a t-shirt with a zip-up jacket over top. What little I saw of the jacket suggested it was a jogging jacket, but it's probably a safe bet that a jacket with a zipper is not likely to be considered dress-up attire, at any rate.

Would it have hurt for her to dress up, leave the slogans at home, wear a tasteful American flag pin, and simple sit there and watch the speech? On the contrary, I think it would have built her some credibility. She could have rolled her eyes during the parts she disagreed with, showed some support if she heard something she liked, and generally portrayed herself as a sensible person. It may have scored her some points even with me.

But I guess that's too much to ask.

It's also probably too much to ask that we cut the police who arrested her some slack. This is, after all, Cindy Sheehan. I don't think it's unjustified for an officer to see this famous face, who's already been arrested before for her protests, dressed in a manner inappropriate to the occasion, wearing a t-shirt with a slogan, and think "Uh oh, this lady is going to cause trouble." What indication was she giving that she was there to behave herself?

These same police also yanked a politician's wife with a t-shirt (at the SOTU! Oh, The Manolo! He rolls over in the grave before he is dead!) proclaiming the opposite view. There must be rules about this sort of thing already in place, or why would they want to open up THAT can of worms?

By the way, considering the big flap over the women's sports team that wore flip-flops to the White House, where is the furor over wearing t-shirts to the SOTU? That's a much more formal event, I would think, than a reception at the White House, and yet if there's an outcry I've missed it.

There, I think I've covered about every angle. Except one more:

Do us ALL a favor, folks! EVERYONE stay seated and hold your applause! I really don't care WHAT you support, or WHAT you oppose. I just want to hear the guy talk and get it over with! Quite wasting my time! Or better yet, let's return to the days of Jefferson, when they just mailed in their report.

Why no, I didn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Why do you ask?

Timing Is Everything

My daughter has her fifth birthday today--and the flu. Evidently there's some sort of three-day flu going around, and she got it. With any luck it'll be gone--and she won't be contagious--by her birthday party on Saturday. She would be one devastated little girl if she doesn't get to have her party. She's only been planning it for, oh...a year.

My wife is also showing symptoms of...something. She went to the doctor yesterday, who confirmed she has a sinus infection, but that doesn't explain the rest of her symptoms. So far the "menfolk" are healthy. I sure hope it stays that way.

It's A Given

Am I the only person in America who is doing better this year than last year? You'd sure think that to listen to the media. I started reading an article by someone wondering just what Bush can say in his address tonight to make things look better than they are. I didn't read very far. It was obvious what the writer's agenda was, based on her initial points:

- The State of the Union stinketh, yea, doth roil in stench most foul, because:
- We're still in Iraq, and by her deep, far-reaching expertise in nation-building, we're making no progress whatsoever.
- Hurricane Katrina is Bush's fault.

I stopped reading at that point. I have little to gain from someone with such a warped world view. Am I really to think that the measure of our country can be taken by looking at a third-world country halfway around the world and by one of three regions hit by hurricanes last year? Am I to trust the intellectual honesty of someone who cannot find even the most remote sign of improvement in Iraq?

And why is it that even though he's never been blamed for hurricanes in the previous six years in office, Katrina is Bush's fault? Florida and Texas have been hit hard several times in the last few years, and if the Federal Government really is responsible for handling all such situations, he did a great job on those. Why is Katrina different? To listen to some people you'd think that Bush personally weakened the foundations of thousands of buildings in the area right before the storm hit.

So no, I saw no reason to continue. With that train of logic she'd probably go on to suggest that Bush personally campaigned for Iran's new president, gave him blueprints for nucular bombs, and stopped off in France on the way home to stir up some riots--all of which is proof positive that life in America is an excruciating existence comparable to an apendectomy with toe nail clippers and no anesthetic.

Last night on PBS they showed a documentary on the Nuremburg Trials. If you're looking for evil, folks, THERE is your model, not the current administration. If Bush et al are the nazis so many think they are, then why hasn't he declared Katrina to be the fault of Louisiana blacks and fined them for the cost of repairs? Why is the editorial staff of the New York Times still alive? Why are Mexico and Canada still independent? Why is Baghdad still standing?

If I learned anything last night it is that people really have learned nothing from history, and we're likely going to repeat it. Only this time people like the pathetic writer of that article (who probably believes she is not free to speak her mind under Bush's Nazi Regime, even while her article is carried into millions of homes free of charge) will make sure there is no United States of America left to stand up to the true evil when it rears its head.

Speaking of history, how many of the Great Civilizations, while too strong to be conquered from the outside, fell apart due to corruption from within? I think THAT is the lesson from history we should be paying attention to.

I Am Certifiable

Yesterday afternoon I took the Information Technology Infrastructure Library Foundations Certification exam and passed it. Part of me is irritated with myself that I only got a 75%. Part of me is relieved that I even passed it at all. I completed the program back in mid-November, and since then the course has been unavailable for whatever reason. I've been largely unable to review, so I should be happy to have done so well after two months.

Of course I was scoring in the mid-80's on the practice exam, and for some reason 85% seems so much more solid than 75%. On the other hand, these questions seemed harder. This was not a simple test.

At any rate I passed, and that not only gets me certified but allows me to charge it to the company. I'm also hoping it will mean something within the company, as I may be looking to shift my career focus in response to the recent acquisitions.

Of course it's still way too soon to tell what is going to happen, but assuming I'm not laid off there will still be two potential paths. One is to go with the main part of the company. The primary purchaser has bought all the successful segments of the company, and therefore stands a pretty good chance at staying successful.

On the other hand, the underperforming segment of the company has been picked up by a private investing group with a solid track record of turning around faltering companies. They also tend to reward those who help make it happen. It could also be very, very interesting and informative to get a glimpse into how they turn things around.

So, assuming I can even position myself to go one way or another, I need to decide which way to position myself. For starters, the section of our IT group that stands the best chance of being retained by either companies is not the section I am in. The certification I just obtained could make me more attractive to that group, however.

In any case, if our IT group is to survive the transition, our best bet is to embrace the IT Services approach championed by ITIL. Our IT Operations group--the one I think I want to join--is already well along in doing so. Our IT Development group pays lip-service to the services model, but in reality it's little more than a more highly-formalized version of the matrix structure the organization has had for awhile now. For the most part we provide services internal to the IT organization, and even then it's primarily on development projects.

What we really should be doing, if you ask me--and you didn't, is adopting the ITIL model across the organization to better position ourselves to become invaluable to whichever company we end up in. The "Successful" segment has a number of subsidiaries to which we could offer our services. The "Underperforming" segment has an immediate need for IT services, but plans to uncouple itself over time. If we provide them with excellent IT services, they'll either opt to stay with us or take us with them.

In short, for our IT group to survive, we need to prove ourselves essential to both companies, and we won't do that by being a revenue drain. We need to provide good service, and then carefully track of all the services we provide in order to help both companies recognize our worth and value--all the while preparing to be successful on both fronts to the point where we will need to split the IT group in two.

Of course this is all mindless speculation. I don't even have a clue as to what IT capabilities either organization already brings to the table. Perhaps all they will need from us is to show them how everything works and where the (lack of) documentation is. But frankly I'd be surprised if either company has the infrastructure in place to accommodate the scale of operations they've just purchased.

And while the mental exercise is fun, in the end I've got a family to feed. It may be that I won't be around long enough to care which way the companies go. In the end they will do what is best for them, and I need to do what is best for me, even if it that means doing it somewhere else.

Numerical Gymnastics

From ABCNews online:

In two separate incidents, kids are accused of accidentally shooting other kids. Why are so many children getting their hands on guns and what can be done about it?

Two kids is "so many?" Granted, it's two too many, but they make it sound like half the kids in elementary school are packing heat.

And if you want to look at statistics, there are about as many people in my town as there are US soldiers in Iraq. Census statistics indicate that we averaged about 1050 deaths per year between 2000 and 2005. Is it more dangerous to live here than in Iraq?

Distopia and Dattopia

I'm feeling a little better today. Nothing like a little time away from work to make it a little more endurable. I'm not completely ready to cut and run, but at the same time, I'm going to start looking. Things might be okay around here for awhile longer, and within a month at least they may have some answers and be able to give me a better idea of whether or not there is any reason to stay.

When I got home from work last night it was almost like a totally different family. Richard was feeling considerably better, and that had a positive influence on everyone. We had a pleasant evening, and even our Family Home Evening went relatively well. Walter didn't even mind that his mouse kept getting caught when we played Mousetrap.

That's not the Mousetrap where you build a Rube Goldberg contraption to catch the world's stupidest mouse, but one we used to play when I was a kid. You take a metal nut or washer, tie a string to it, and place it in the middle of the table, while holding the other end of the string. One person has a pot lid and a die. He rolls the die over and over, and if he rolls a one (or was it a six?) he gets to try to catch the mice before the players can yank them away.

I know there are more rules to it than that, but I couldn't remember. Not that it mattered. That was as complicated as the kids could easily handle, and more than enough fun for them. I always knew there was a good reason to play Warhammer: graphical dice. Rather than have the kids have to worry about counting spots in a hurry I'd just roll an artillery die from my game. It has two sides that show an explosive cloud, while the others all show arrows. It both made the game go faster having two sides that could come up, and made it easy for them to tell when to yank their mice.

Anyway, I need the rest of the family to fill me in on the rest of the rules just in case they want to play it when they're a little older and need more complexity.

I got a flier today for a lawn company that wants to fertilize my lawn this year. It's tempting. Boy is it tempting...

Oh Dash It All! Here We Go Again!

It looks like my company will be sold. I guess I'll have to do some thinking and praying about things, but at this point I don't think I want to be stay around to see what happens. Though they've indicated a desire to keep a "significant presence" in my home town, that could mean anything. I don't see how my job could be maintained in the long run.

On the other hand, it looks like we're through the worst part of the plague at our house. Walter and Emma are pretty much back to normal, and Richard is showing significant signs of improvement. With any luck, the winter of our discontent is nearly over.

It's a good thing. We thought we were getting cabin fever before! Being cooped up inside unable to even go to stores, the mall, etc., has really taken its toll on everyone, especially Terhi. I'm sure they'll be happy to be out and about again.

Doin' The Wave

Well, one kid is nearly recovered, the second went to the doctor yesterday--and has another appointment for this afternoon--and the third is struggling bravely through the early/middle stages. And my wife seems to be going back down for another round.

Me? So far I've managed to avoid it, knock on...uhm...particle board.

This whole experience has taught me just how much I despise our current insurance. Our old insurance had a fairly low co-pay on doctor's visits, whereas on our current program we pay everything out of pocket until we hit the deductible, wherein the insurance starts kicking in. Knowing that we'll have to pay the whole thing really makes us agaonize every time a kid gets sick. Should we go see a doctor or not?

As I mentioned above, our oldest went to the doctor yesterday, complaining of an ear ache. Sure enough, she has an ear infection. Today she's complaining of an ache in her throat. I guess she's had this before, and it turned out to be a throat infection. If this really is the same thing, then the antibiotics they prescribed for the ear infection should also help with this. But what if it's not?

If we take her in today and they say that she'll be fine when the antibiotics have had enough time to take effect I'll be grumbling. But the alternative is taking the chance that it IS something else and it WON'T get better on its own. Then we still pay for a doctor, and suffer the guilt that we could have done something sooner and spared her the suffering.

We're young parents, and eventually we'll gain enough experience to know how to decide these sorts of things more easily. But I can't help but wish the lessons would come cheaper. Like they used to.

The Neighborhood Coughy House

The crud has hit our house. It's been toying with us for a week or more now, but this weekend it made its move. My middle son spent much of yesterday dripping and coughing and generally being miserable. His other two siblings seem to have lesser versions of it, though we're not entirely sure the baby is out of the woods. My wife has had some sort of crud most of the last week, and is either getting it again or has picked up a different strain.

As for me, if I did get it I didn't notice since I'm already high on decongestants for my allergies. I suspect, from watching my son go through it, I would have noticed. So either my day is coming or I've been extremely fortunate so far.

My company is back on the auction block again, so I'm officially and preemptively on the market again, too. I'm not hearing any convincing reasons to stay. It never hurts to start finding out what else is out there.

My company gave me MLKj Day off yesterday, so I spent it (in addition to helping nursemaid sick kids) catching up on a few projects around the house like taking down the outdoor Christmas lights and attempting (successfully this time) to put a nice edge around the fireplace hearth.

For some reason the previous occupants decided it would be fun to rip up the carpet to run surround sound wiring beneath. They did a horrible job of replacing the carpet around the fireplace, and the tack strip was poking holes in our feet. I tried last month to do something about it only to find that our downstairs carpet is installed over concrete (and a pad, of course), which makes it very hard to nail anything down. I'm not sure how they got the tack strip in, quite frankly, unless they added it while the concrete was still wet.

So my next plan was to get some Gorilla Glue and glue some nails pointing upward around the edge of the tile heart so that I could take a piece of wooden moulding and hammer it down onto the nails, which would hold the carpet down and put a nice edge on it all. One problem: Gorilla Glue has to be clamped, and they mean it. I had no means of clamping a dozen or so nails to the floor.

So next I tried getting some 1/4-inch slats, driving nails up through it, and gluing that on the floor to secure the moulding against. The nails either didn't hold or the moulding split. I never even got far enough to try gluing the slat to the concrete flooring.

So yesterday I abandoned the idea of securing the moulding without any fasteners showing. I glued some more of the 1/4-inch slat to the concrete, "clamping" it with a pile of books on top to hold it down (I knew I held onto those darn books for a reason!), and then screwing the moulding down through the carpet and into the slats. After developing an impromptu countersink method, it went together like a charm.

One more item off the list. Just in time for the list to start growing again. With spring coming we've begun making plans for yard/garden/interior. I'm sure I'll keep plenty busy this year.

The Tooth?! You Can't HANDLE The Tooth!

Actually, if we're talking about my baby boy, he can--at least better than we expected. He just got his first tooth a couple days ago, and that day was the first time we really suspected it. He's normally a fairly cheerful little guy, and so after a day of his being crabby and clingy, we decided to check his gums. Ouch! Poor little guy.

Things are not quite so bad at work now. I've started to settle into my new digs and have started being productive. Being productive helps a lot. I kinda like it.

Beyond that I've been knee-deep in a personal project. I've been writing a novel. It's fan fiction for a wargame I play, and I've been posting it in chapters on an online fan bulletin board. It's not terribly large, perhaps 50,000 words by the time I'm done with it, which according to this source makes it pushing the upper limit of a novella.

I haven't written a novel in about 15 years, so it feels good to crank out something that significant. And I've got at least two fans who loyally read each installment. I know that doesn't sound like much, but it's really made a difference. This bulletin board has a "hit" counter that lets you know how many times a post has been read. My readership has been falling off fairly steadily since I first started posting it, but these two not only always come back but regularly leave me comments. At this point I'd have to say I'm going to finish this as much for them as for me.

Another encouraging aspect of this work is that I have a desire to go back and rework it once I'm done. I usually finish something (if even that) and immediately abandon it. My previous novel I have intended to rework, but only after rereading it after a year or two and realizing it was pretty weak. This one I can already see where it can be made better, where it should be expanded, and how my writing style could be improved.

Right now the main pressure is to finish it. Once it's done I intend to leave it for awhile so it can become fresh again and I can become a little less attached. Then I plan to come back to it and rework it. After all, Robert Louis Stevenson once said that writing is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration. I don't sweat enough for my art.

After that I've got another project simmering on the back burner. This one should be my first serious attempt at LDS historical fiction (two categories I've never tackled before). The last time I read through the Book of Mormon I became very impressed with King Limhi, the son of a wicked king who in spite of his father's example, remains relatively righteous and eventually becomes the spiritual leader of his people as well. There's a story there, and I'm itching to tell it.

Hold me to it, folks. If I don't have at least a full draft by the end of 2006 give me heaps of grief.

January Doldrums

I have decided I do not like my job any more. It's been months since I produced anything of value, and while it's not my fault I've had lousy assignments, it's really hard to feel useful and productive. I've been reassigned again, and it's done very little to eliminate my feeling of being cattle.

I've been putting out feelers in other areas of the company in hopes of arranging a change of position, but I have serious doubts that anything will come of it.

It's time to start looking for another job, I think.

Judgement Day

For the second time I've been recruited to be a judge by my sister-in-law as part of their PTO's talent competition. I'm the Musical Composition judge. I guess my degree is still useful for a few things.

It's not a hard job. Both years there has been only one entrant, so there's not much pressure. The kid will advance to the next level regardless of what I think. Not that they have to worry about it anyway. Writing songs when you are 11 years old is not an easy undertaking. Musical notation is tricky. I'm impressed that she used fairly sophisticated notation, even if she didn't use it perfectly.

My sister-in-law says I wrote more in my comments than just about any other judge. Well, I figure it's the least I can do. When I was in seventh grade I had a teacher tell me my writing was good and entered me in a city-wide competition where I took second place. That one shot in the arm led me to develop a talent that has opened more doors for me in life than just about anything else I can think of. The least I can do is pass it on.

...But I Play One On TV!

Oh, this is too good to leave alone. From Newsweek:

Dec. 26, 2005 - Jan 2, 2006 issue - Jake Gyllenhaal is Hollywood's sexiest man—despite what the editors at People say. The actor took a break from his heartthrob duties to speak with Ramin Setoodeh.

In "Jarhead," you played a Marine. Is it time for us to get out of Iraq?
Honestly, I'm feeling more like maybe we should.

Am I the only one who sees a nonsequitur here?

Let's just continue this interview along these lines, shall we?

Agenda-Advancing Journalist: In "Brokeback Mountain" you play a gay sheep-rancher. Do you feel that sheep ranching is exploitative and causes undue harm to sheep?

Jake Gyllenhaal: Oh, absolutely. No one asks the sheep for permission to rip off all their hair every Spring.

AAJ: In "The Day After Tomorrow" you play a scientist's estranged son. Should more sons consider being estranged from their fathers?

JG: I believe so, since global warming is caused by our fathers, and it's, like, going to be our mess to clean up. So yeah. I think estrangement is a good place to start.

AAJ: In "Bubble Boy" you play a boy born without an immune system. Do you think President Bush should be immune from all the trouble he's caused in the world?

JG: Absolutely not. Though it's obviously the reason why he lives in a bubble.

AAJ: In "October Sky" you play a kid who gains an interest in rocketry after the Russian launch of Sputnik. Do you think Bush's announced plan to take us to Mars is ill-conceived.

JG: No, I happen to agree with him on this one. It will require rockets.

AAJ: Okay, one final question. You played Billy Crystal's son in "City Slickers." Do you think Billy Crystal was a bad choice to host the Oscars?

JG: Okay, I've got to put my foot down here. Just because I played a guy's son for maybe ten minutes of the whole darn movie doesn't make me an expert on him, okay? I mean really! I was a kid then, anyway. But I'm older now, and much more qualified to render judgement on world issues based on playing a vaguely associated role in a movie written by some liberal-arts major cloistered in a California studio apartment who's entire world view is formed by CNN soundbites and last week's episode of "Law & Order."

AAJ: Okay. Thank you for your time.

JG: Hey, right back at you!