My Name is Thom...

I discovered Instapundit's wife's blog the other day. I find she has some interesting things to say. Her post today was especially interesting, but it was one of the articles she links to that really caught my attention.

The article begins with a list of warning signs of depression, and goes on to suggest that experiencing five or more could be a sign of a major depressive episode. I have to admit that I probably qualify. There's a good chance I'm experiencing depression, and if so, it explains a great deal.

Unfortunately, the article doesn't tell you what to do about it beyond "seek help." I have to admit to a strong distrust of psychiatrists and counselors. I've only availed myself of one once, and that was in college when it was free. A professor I was fairly close to was arrested in the middle of a class trip and convicted of statutory rape. A lot of people around me were really freaked out by the whole deal, and after awhile I started thinking there was something wrong with me because I wasn't freaked out. I decided to go see a school counselor about it, and even then only because one of the counselors on staff was a member of my religion.

I don't recall much about the one or two sessions, beyond her telling me that it was okay to be feeling what I was feeling and that I was just fine. I think I did feel better having expressed some of my feelings, and that was about it.

I suspect that psychiatry/psychology gets a bad rap in the entertainment media, but I also wonder if some of them go farther than they really should and take themselves a little too seriously. I'm not comfortable with the whole idea of "repressed/retrieved memories." I also don't want someone telling me that my religious belief system is causing my psychoses (yes, I suspect if I've got a psychosis at all, I'm bound to have several).

That said, I do feel there is great benefit to being able to talk about things. I've had friends pull me out of major turmoil in my life simply by being there and listening, and I think I've been able to do the same one a few occasions. There is a lot to be said for having someone you trust enough to be able to bounce your thoughts against while you straighten them all out, and who won't get upset if your initial thoughts are perhaps raw, incomplete, and perhaps a little painful to hear.

So yes, I do think I've been rather depressed lately. Though I love our new house, the whole process of moving in and getting settled has been overwhelming. Our children's behavior lately certainly hasn't helped, especially since I feel rather helpless to do anything about it. And getting demoted at work has only prolonged the whole mess. I feel useless, ineffective, and pulled in too many directions. And I feel guilty for feeling that way, because there are plenty of people going through much, much worse. I've got a good life, and it irritates and alarms me that I can't seem to take any pleasure from that fact.

I love my kids, and it tears me up inside that I can't be more patient with them and I can't seem to change their behavior. I think I'm still too emotionally immature to deal with them, but I don't know how to change. I seem to make progress some days, and then other days I'm right back where I started.

None of my hobbies seem to hold much appeal for me right now. What I do, I seem to do out of habit more than an actual desire. It's like I hope that by resuming some of those activities I'll start to be happy again, but so far it doesn't seem to be working. I accomplish things, but the sense of accomplishment is fleeting. So I finished the shelves in the garage and built a recycling cart. There's still plenty more to do, and the shelves won't be enough to hold everything, while the recycling cart is just in the way all the time.

Don't even get me started about work.

Yeah, I think I'm depressed. Darned if I know what to do about it. I guess I just keep pressing forward until something changes.