You Know You're A Parent If...

Thomas The Tank Engine And Friends is big around our house. Walter loves them, and Emma enjoys them. They're good, sweet, largely innocent stories. The characters have faults and foibles, but they're all essentially good. There are good moral lessons. What else would you expect from a series originated by a minister?

Well, yesterday the kids came home from the library with a Thomas and Magic Railroad book. Suddenly we've got evil trains running rampant on the island, threatening the steam engines with destruction and trying to take over. Suddenly Thomas has gone from doing "trainly" duties of delivering passengers and freight to defeating evil diesel engines by luring them onto weak bridges.

I don't like it. This smells of a marketing. I can hear the conversation that went on behind this:

"Gentlemen, Thomas and Friends has too small a demographic, too narrow an age range. We're losing the older kids, the ones who have the ability to whine their parents into buying toys. What can we do?"

"The problem, sir, is that there's no real conflict on Sodor Island. It's a magical land where dreams come true, remember? That may hold the girls until, oh, about six or seven if we're lucky--and that's assuming they like trains, which is a pretty big assumption. The boys are worse. About the time they hit five they start noticing action figures. There simply isn't enough drama to Thomas to hold their interest anymore."

"So you think we should spice up Sodor island?"

"Well, let's face it, sir, it's a dull place. And there aren't any girl trains."

"There's Mavis and Emily."

"Yes, though Mavis looks like Rosie the Riveter. And they haven't held the girls' interest, have they."

"Well no."

"Girls love magic, sir, and boys love action. We need a fluffy, sparkly, magical girl train. We need some bad trains. We need an ongoing storyline with some real conflict. Battles that can be played and replayed."

"But these are trains. Cute, lovable, kind trains."

"Exactly! Give them someone bad to fight against! With magic--Hey! I've got it! They're all steam engines, right? Well, steam engines were pushed out by diesel engines, weren't they? Sounds like we have a built in enemy right there!"

"I don't know about this..."

"Think of it! The diesel engines try to take over! We'll launch the whole thing with a feature film; get some well-known actors--should be easy, since lots of kids love Thomas, and famous actors love to win over their kids by acting in movies about their favorite characters. I'll be we could even get Alec Baldwin! It'll be big!"

"~sigh~ Okay, put together a proposal, some concept images, and we'll take it to the boss and see what she says."

"Trust me on this, sir! It'll be a hit!"

Ugh. Leave Thomas alone, please? This is like unleashing Cruella De Ville on the Hundred Acre Wood. Reading the story left a bad taste in my mouth. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be trying to save children's institutions from the corrosive sands of commerce, but there it is.

I am a parent.